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Bowls In Focus : March April 2010
Bowls In Focus 47 "Sid Vicious!" Milligan yelled out to me from the pas- senger seat of the car Todd was driving with Brenda prostate on the back seat having labour pains of increasing intensity. Sid Vicious, he wanted me to attend to the welfare of his prized ferrets of which Sid is his favou- rite breeding buck. Aptly named, Sid could rip you apart if you got too close, but with handler Mil- ligan he is as docile as a kitten. It was Sid who had inter- rupted our game on that fateful day when he chased a rabbit from its hole next to the mowing shed onto the green, both hotly pursued by Wal's blue heeler Frenchy, with a panting Milligan trailing behind, only to have their prey nabbed from them by an eagle. I can still see it all now. However, on this particular hot Sunday afternoon, we were at the bowling club getting a few rounds of our club games, the 100-up, pairs and presidents handicap on the way. There was the usual stress of fighting to win games that should be comfortable victories, and the losers blaming the green or getting fired up about the handicap- ping process. I was having a particularly tight game against Vince, our president and local pharmacist. Milligan was marking when the call came. Putting the phone back in his pocket the big boofhead immediately became a quivering mess, panicking about Brenda going into labour, that he had to get her to hospital quickly. His panic was infectious, for no particular reason blokes started run- ning everywhere, which only created more panic. Todd could see Milligan was in no state to drive and told him so. With that Wal and Minty both ran to their cars in the car park yelling they'd meet him at the gate. In their haste they managed to ram into each other as they attempted to exit the car park at the same time, blocking the way for everybody else and creating more confusion. Todd grabbed Milligan by the shoulders and steered him out the front to where he had the Alfa Romeo Spider parked. Minty had banned him from the car park for a month for parking in the manager's spot. So Milligan finally got his ride in the Spider, albeit as a passenger, and there was just enough room to fit his ample proportions. Appar- ently at home, as they gathered Brenda's hospital bag that had been packed and ready for the rush to hospital, Todd said he would drive them, but it would have to be in one of their cars. Milligan threw his keys to Todd but Brenda wouldn't budge. She had always refused to be seen in Milligan's ageing Leyland P76 and even if this was an emergency she still had some dignity. When they went past the green on their way to hospital with Milligan yelling out his ferret's name, they were in Brenda's Peugeot. Everyone yelled 'good luck' as they drove by, everyone except Wal and Minty who were busy exchanging de- tails, abuse and threats to the other's personal well-being while they tried to sort out the tangle. At least the disruption distracted Vince from his game and I was able to get ahead and win, which was a great relief. We then had to team to- gether to play a game of pairs. It was a long day, but it did delay my visit to Milligan's feisty ferrets. The bar was beckoning as our game drew to a close, where the handicapper was still getting an earful. But before drinks could be enjoyed we all had to help separate the damaged vehicles at the car park gate because nobody could leave until we did. Minty was still upset about the damage to his Volvo, although it was just another battle scar for Wal's intrepid ute. Copious quantities of beers were finally being enjoyed when Todd returned. He strutted in beaming and loudly announced, "It's a boy!" We were stunned at first, not expecting to hear a result so soon. "That was quick," Wal shouted, "the baby must take after Brenda, Milligan's never moved that fast in his life!" Then our hero entered the room, told Wal he was an 'ignorant coot' and banged him on the head. Congratulations were hearty and the handicapper was relieved by the change in mood. "Sean Patrick," Milligan announced the name proudly with a glint in his eye. He had wanted to call the baby Sid but Brenda objected. Not only on account of the ferret, but Milligan also had an old uncle Sid, who was a re- calcitrant who had spent many years at Her Majesty's pleasure for drunken misdemeanours. There was a tear or two in the big man's eye; despite his gruff exterior he was proud as punch to be a father. Wal shook his hand and asked if he could be the child's godfather, then enquired if Milligan had got to cut the 'um-belly-cal' cord? Amazing. An impending arrival is the hot topic for Milligan and his motley mates in this latest yarn from the pen of 'bush bowling bard' Doug Maconachie. . . www.riverinabowls.com.au where champions shop Lawn bowls wear and accessories 529 High St, Echuca VIC 3564 p. 03 5482 1388 firstname.lastname@example.org or visit www.riverinabowls.com.au Biggest range of coloured bowls wear! We buy and trade second hand bowls Beginners Packs - EVERYTHING NEW! Coloured Lawn Bowls, Bag, Shirt, Pants, Socks, Shoes & Hat all for $600! PERCEPTION Do you perceive yourself a better bowler than you are? Do others perceive you less than your are; or as one dimensional eg; only a leader Illustration by Rod Marget Crikey, the big boofhead's got a son!
Bowls In Focus May 2010